There are some things people know intuitively. Touching a hot stovetop will burn your hand. Walking into a rainstorm without an umbrella will leave you drenched. Embarking on a three-hour boat tour with a rich, elderly couple, a movie star, a professor and some chick named Mary Anne will most likely lead you to Gilligan’s Island. But when it comes to healthy living etiquette, the rules can be less certain. Because reaching out abruptly to someone about their extra weight can have the impact of launching a hand grenade.

Over the past few days, I have been following a story about this topic on my favorite radio morning show. Last Friday, a listener named Rachel called in with her concerns about a co-worker who appeared to be close to 100 pounds overweight. Rachel lost 40 pounds herself a few years ago and felt it was her mission to confront this woman. But as the segment revealed, they had worked in the same office for three years without exchanging more than a quick elevator hello. This woman wasn’t her friend, nor had she asked for help or advice.

I groaned out loud as Rachel ignored the scores of callers who told her to back off.  This woman was headed down a highway to disaster, running on the fumes of her own ego.  Until I lost weight in my mid 20’s, I often received the back-handed compliment “but you have such a pretty face” - which anyone who has been heavy knows really means “too bad about the rest of you.” But that came from family members and a couple of friends who, for the most part, meant well.  Hearing it from a virtual stranger would have been devastating.

Sure enough, Rachel’s plan backfired. We learned in the follow-up segment that the woman started crying and left work early, skipping out on the company’s holiday party that night. I don’t feel bad for Rachel, who was warned about the consequences. But my heart goes out to her co-worker. Personally, I would never bring up weight loss to a close friend or family members unless they asked me first. The only time I approach a stranger is to compliment that individual after they have made visible progress at the gym.

What are your thoughts on reaching out to people about their extra weight?

Spies have to be good at lots of things, like cracking codes and hand-to-hand combat. (I’ve seen every James Bond movie multiple times, hence my expertise on this topic.) One of their core competencies, in the same way that the rest of us might excel at strategic planning or project management, is sabotage. You’ve got to be able to disarm the laser in the evil guy’s lair, or thwart their plans to destroy the earth’s atmosphere. But wait, maybe I’m just thinking of Austin Powers. Guess the point is that as much as spies excel at sabotage, they’ve got nothing on how badly we can derail ourselves.

Last week, I heard a segment on my favorite morning radio show that prompted this post.  A caller named Leanne bemoaned gaining 23 pounds in the six months since her boyfriend, Shawn, left for Europe. He was coming home, and Leanne didn’t want t face him with the extra weight. She reported back, a few days later, that they finally met and she broke it off when Shawn didn’t seem that into her.  The deejays thought the story was off, and a quick recap with Shawn confirmed that suspicion. Turns out he was looking forward to seeing Leanne and thought she looked great. That is until she kept asking non-stop if her extra weight was a problem and discrediting his responses. You can check out the whole saga here - http://tinyurl.com/2an7kx8,

Leanne’s rampant insecurity sabotaged that once promising relationship.  But she’s not alone. Every day, people do little things to ensure they don’t lose the extra pounds, don’t get a promotion at work, don't pay off the credit card and much more. Coming clean to oneself is the first step in breaking this pattern for good.

Have you ever engaged in self-sabotage? If so, how were you able to fix or end it at some point?